Warning: Sad Christmas Post

Like a bad winter cold I’ve been trying to ward off a bout of sadness this week. I think that for the first time since I was 15 years old, I have no one special in my life to share Christmas with. I enjoy the holidays: the baking, the decorating, the buying of gifts. I really do. Somehow it’s not the same when I’m living alone, had class and finals right up to the last minute, and only bought gifts for my parents. When I opened the Christmas ornaments this year right on top was a giant “M” (for Mo) and “A” (for me), the ornaments that we had bought last year to be our first for the tree. I almost didn’t decorate at all. I mean, no one has been in my house in months. What/who am I decorating for?



And at the same time, part of me thinks I should be thankful. Last year Mo told me I couldn’t spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family, but we’d be spending the entire time in Ohio sitting on his living room floor and smiling at the family I’d never met. There was no compromising, no Christmas Eve with my family, nothing. And on Christmas Eve he wouldn’t answer his phone and left me wondering if I had anywhere to go at all. My family opened all the gifts I had picked out (they all come to me for ideas), and I missed Christmas basically.


Then there was the year the asshole (sorry, I don’t have a nice name for him) dumped all of my gifts in the middle of the bedroom floor unwrapped, told me I had ruined Christmas, and drove off for New Jersey leaving me sitting there with no flight and no way home.


Or how about the time the same idiot called me after how many years together and told me that he no longer wanted to marry me, then proceeded to disappear off the face of the earth, and I never heard from him again.


One year I worked until two a.m. in Gainesville and slept through my early morning flight, not making it home for Christmas. I’ve spent Christmas after Christmas crying, sad, alone, and struggling to make it through. Shouldn’t this one be better? I’m here in my parents’ home with a brand new saddle (my Christmas gift that I picked myself), ate a great dinner tonight, and have the day tomorrow to play with the horses and relax. Why choke back tears every time I allow my brain to stop and think? How do you learn to be thankful for the things you have?  How did I get here?  And where/who can I be tomorrow?  

How I Learned to Be Wrong

My brain is full.  I mean full to the point of losing important skills like walking and talking out the back door.  Why haven't I blogged in the last few months?  The easy answer: law school.  The funnier answer: my brain was so full that I forgot my login and didn't have two free minutes to go through the process of recovering it.

I've taken two law school exams so far, and I have three more to go.  I've also finished my legal research and writing paper.  As I was sitting waiting for my 25 page of ridiculousness Property exam to start, I had this crazy thought.  What in the world am I doing?  Last year at this time I was giving my own final.  I was baking Christmas cookies and shopping.  Sure, I was busy...  but now I literally live law.  The law school is open 24 hours these two weeks, they feed us pizza, baked goods, and candy to keep us in sugar shock and from revolting at all times, and I'm falling asleep at night with my head literally in a textbook.  What in the world am I doing?  At the same time, yesterday evening I was in downtown Pittsburgh in Market Square with the beautiful lights, the limos, and the expensive restaurants, and there was Reed Smith (one of the biggest law firms in the 'burgh) overlooking my life as I'd like it to be. 

It's amazing how far expectations can fall in a semester.  I started out wanting to be in the top ten.  Now, I want to survive.  And everyone keeps saying, "Oh you'll do fine.  You always say it's hard."  Why won't anyone listen?  This isn't hard.  It's freakin impossible and based on luck!  A whole semester of hard work comes down to one three hour exam.  Did I mention I'm not a good test taker?

Do you know the best thing that happened to me all semester?  On my practice exam I got a "nice paper" comment.  Honestly, that's the nicest two words (or only nice words) I've heard all semester.  It's mostly, "Wrong," "No," "Absolutely not," "Bad law student....BAD!" 

What have I learned this semester?  Humility?  New stress management techniques?  The best caffeine for the least calories at Starbucks?  Most of all, I've learned how to be wrong every single day, and yet still keep coming back for more.

Murphy's Law is More Important than Any Other in Law School

Is this you?  You're jogging along, feeling darn good about your energy, your ability, the beautiful day, and CRACK!  Where did that boulder come from?  Well, it's me.

I was cruising along in law school, unafraid of the big bad law school professor, feeling like I knew what was going on ....avoiding the boulders of not being prepared for class....  and CRASH.  It still got me.

This morning in the class with definitely the scariest law professor in the school, I was minding my own business, feeling darn good because I half understood what was going on, and I'd already been called on, so I assumed I was safe....  He points to the back of the room..."YOU!  The girl who thinks this is funny!  What do you think?"  I didn't answer.  I had no idea he was pointing at me.  The girl behind me said, "Me?"  "NO!  He bellowed.  YOU!"  At this point I'm getting the idea it might be me.  But wait, I hadn't said a word?  Was I sleeptalking in class?  Possible.  But no, I was wide awake.

"Me?"  I say.  "Yes, YOU.  The one who is busy having a conversation while I'm trying to talk."  What in the world is going on I'm now thinking?  Am I losing it?  So, I stutter out something that makes no sense, he makes fun of me, and life goes on.  Or does it?  Right now I'm hiding in the student union rather than the law school because everywhere I go people bring it up.  I do sit near the back of the room, so the other 80 people in class didn't actually see what was going on.  They assume I was the loud mouth, and I got called on.  And I'm an idiot. Ack. 

Sigh...I know it doesn't matter.  But I'm getting sick of saying, "It wasn't me!"  I guess it's all good practice for becoming a defense attorney?  Practice for becoming a heartless jerk?  Practice for growing an iron shell?  If it can go wrong, it will.  Back to reality.

Law School Day 8 (or) Socrates is My Frenemy

Do you know how law school works?  Have you seen a movie where some poor law student stands and is verbally abused by a professor asking outrageous questions all in the name of the "Socratic Method?"   Well, those movies aren't far from the truth.

I already mentioned that on Day 1, class 1, I was called on, but that was an "easy" question.  Now the real fun begins.  I've been "lucky" so far, and I haven't been called on, but well, as they say, every dog has his day. 

Today I was called on in Property.  Some people get easy questions like: Please give me the facts of the case, or please give me the procedural history.  Trust me, these are usually easy because you "should" have the answers right in front of you in your homework. 

Here was MY first question (this is not a joke):

Professor X:  John owns a watch and loses it on Monday.  On Tuesday, David finds it.  On Wednesday, Susie steals it from David.  She then proceeds to lose it, and on Friday, Terry finds it.  Susie sues Terry for the watch.  Who will win?

I won't bore you with the answer.  Let's just say, after five or ten minutes of policy, rules, arguments, etc., I had the answer.  Well, I had the answer from the start actually, and I was able to answer all of the professor's question.  I thought more in those ten minutes than I did in all of grad. school. What has my life become?

Weeks 1 and 2 of Law school (or) Call Me Old Again and I'll Kick Your Ass

In general, the theme of law school is lack of time.  It doesn't help of course that I'm still teaching four classes.  So, here, I'll be brief.  I do still love it.  People are incredibly competitive, and I seem to be a bit of an outcast with the day students.  Almost all of them are going out, crashing at each other's houses, and generally acting their age.  No one has to go home, cut the grass, teach classes, blah blah blah.  My most memorable moment so far is the girl I made cry.

You read right.  I made her cry.  She is one of those I-need-to-over-compensate-so-everyone-likes-me types.  She kept getting in little jokes about my age.  She would say things like, "Well, I would add you on facebook, but you're too old" etc.  At lunch one day I finally broke down when she said, "Everyone knows I'm just sarcastic and joking all the time."  I said, "You know....  I don't think that's true.  I think you really mean what you say and play it off as a joke." 

She got flustered, hid in the bathroom and cried all afternoon, and sent me a long facebook message of apology.   Let's just say, it didn't make me any friends, but it did make less people want to mess with me!

Days 2 and 3 of Orientation (or) When Law Students Smell Blood

Let me just say this now: it is exactly like they show on t.v. 

I know Shark Week is over, but apparently no one told the law students.  Every time a bleach-blonde Louis Vuitton-carrying stiletto-wearing gum-chewing overachiever raises her hand, I see fins and teeth.  Apparently they have psyched us out so much for law school that there's no reason for the professors to send out the bait.  We tear each other apart!

Yesterday was my first "Torts" class.  The professor walked in and started grilling people.  It was apparent pretty quickly that no one was going to wait to get called on.  They practically swam out of their seats to get at him!

Today was my first "Legal Research and Writing" course.  At 9 a.m. we started.  At 9:01 the first question was thrown out: "Miss R., define the term 'law' for me."  (Miss R. was me...) Hey, at least I answered and didn't drown. 

Things I overheard today from other law students:
* "Can you believe that guy is in law school.  I mean, he's like THIRTY!"
*  "She looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I wonder if she knows that!"  (This was whispered about me.  I think they're all afraid of me because they've all figured out I have a PhD.)
*  "Like, I have had to turn down three dates already today from guys because I am a law student now."
* "My Mom/Dad/Aunt/Uncle/Brother/Dog is a lawyer, so I will be okay."  Keep telling yourself that one buddy :)

Here's the crazy thing.  I love it!  I love it in a way I never once felt during my MFA or PhD.  I like the reading.  I like getting called on.  I like what we're learning.  I'm just going to lay low for now, circle the school, and wait for the perfect moment.  I always did like seafood.

Orientation Day 1 (or) If Only I Could Be a Cougar

Do I hang out with the obnoxious twenty-somethings who make fun of the professors and bet on who will drop out first?  Or do I hang out with the terrified 30 and 40 somethings who seem either afraid of their own shadow or positive they are law student superstars?  It might seem like an insignificant question, but it's my question of the day.

I talked to a few of the older students.  They're all self-concious, talking about LSAT scores, worried about rent and traffic, etc.  And then there's the cute boy (who's only 23) who I can talk to about sports and bars or the marathon.  And of course, it helped my ego that he had no idea I was THIRTY! :)  I think I'll stick with the boys.

Beyond the "who to hang out with" question, the main priorities seem to be:
-scaring the heck out of us
-piling on the work
-pampering us with food and gifts
-confusing the heck out of us

So far, so good.  Stay tuned!

I Can Do This

I have ridden a wild mustang, gone cliff diving in Jamaica, driven a race car at 200 miles an hour, moved to Florida when I was 21, and run 26 miles.  Certainly, I should be able to survive the first day of law school, right?

Let me tell you about the awful beginning I've had so far.  Actually, let me not tell you about it.  Let's just say I skipped the first two "optional" events.  Tomorrow, it begins.  I mean, it really really begins.  I cannot skip it.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect student loans. 

It doesn't matter that I've done this a million times before.  It doesn't matter that the University of Florida was much bigger and more terrifying.  I can do this.

Wish me luck.  Here goes nothing :)

Short List

Okay, these events make my short list for the last two weeks or so:
1.  Spent birthday at home crying into my homemade margarita
2.  Spent day before my birthday arguing with ex that won't go away
3.  Spent day after birthday eating gnocchi and ice cream cake :)
4.  Had someone pay me 400 dollars to take her horse (It was a horse I was training anyway, but uhm, okay)
5.  Did not go to first law school event (baseball game).  I am a giant chicken.
6.  Made red raspberry freezer jam for the first time.
7.  Got stood up twice in the last week from the same friend.  Ack!
8.  Heard from another ex on my birthday who I was hoping had crawled under a rock and died (Why do all the freaks come out on August 7th?)
9.  Did I mention I went to Florida? (will post pictures)
10.  Get to see the new hockey arena on Sunday!!!!
11.  Less than 48 hours to law school and I'm about to lose it!

I'm Too Sexy

One of the greatest things Mo gave me for this summer was: time.  I have no idea how I could have survived another semester of driving to his crappy apartment and getting up at 4 a.m. to rush home to feed the dog.  He refused to get up early with me (or even compromise) and insisted on only having time to hang out at 11 at night until ungodly hours of the morning.  I was honestly in pain every day by the end of my time teaching.

Here's my schedule right now:

*  Get up between 5:30 and 6:30 (depends on how far I'm running)
*  Run/work Out
* 7:30-8 Breakfast (I'm trying to be really healthy before school starts, so I'm actually cooking eggs, etc.)
* 8-5:00 Work on Smarthinking (mixed with online teaching at South, reading law books, doing email, etc.)
* 5-9:00 Work on Grading/South online teaching
* 9-10:00 Live Office Hours at AIU
*10-11:00 Grading/teaching AIU
* 11-midnight Live Teaching at AIU (I sit online with a very attractive microphone talking to myself)

Then I try and sleep and do it all over again.  In order for me to "do" anything else, I have to take off work.  So, if I want to go out for the evening or go to the barn, I either need to take my laptop or request off work.  When in the world would I have had time to stress over the lies and betrayals of Mo?

Yet, of course, there are moments when I'm incredibly lonely!  I especially feel this way when I have plans and they are changed.  I honestly wonder: will I ever be with anyone in a relationship again?  My mom pointed out that it was crazy to see my college friend (thanks for visiting S!) with a minivan and three kids.  And my dad said, "Well, that's normal for her age."  Okay, thanks, Dad.  Glad to know I'm not normal to you.

As I was running yesterday at six in the morning, feeling especially blah, I slogged past a man who was listening to his iPod at the bus stop.  Under her breath, he let out, "Sexxxxy."  It was rude, inappropriate, and creepy.  But thanks goodness, I thought...  at least someone still thinks I'm sexy.

Paaaartay!

This is why you should come to my picnic this Saturday:

Chai Tea Cookies
Mint Brownies
Sugar Cookies
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Chocolate dipped French Meringues (on the third try)
Sandwich Cookies
Meatball sandwiches
Strawberry Spinach Salad
Southwest Shrimp
Rum (Dad's "special" rum)
Homemade Beer and Wine
Mojitos
Pasta Salad
Slow Cooker Mac 'n Cheese
Chickpea Salad

and FIREWORKS!

Oh, and stick around for the poetry reading at Lili Cafe on Sunday.  This is gonna be a busy weekend!

And So It Begins...

This week I've received some of my first correspondence from my law school. Or orientation begins the second week of August with a picnic followed by a week or "boot camp" before classes begin. I wonder if this is typical of law schools? In what I've read, I haven't seen much like it.
I'm anxious at this point about a few things. One is my age. I'm not old (will be 30 when school starts), but I'm older than many of the 21 year olds who will be entering law school this fall. I'm sure in some ways this is an advantage. In other ways, I hope I can "fit in." Law school seems very different than grad. school in this way. For my MFA and PhD I "survived." There wasn't much competition for grades. Everyone got an A or an A-, and that was the end of it. Here I need to stay in the top half of my class to receive my scholarship for next year even. Everyone thinks they'll be in the top half, right? For me, this is a little different. I know no one expects to fail out, but the truth is that in any school people inevitably do. And it can't be me! I have given up a job my teaching job. If I fail out of law school I'll be the most over-qualified coffee barista in my town.

I'm still very anxious about how much "prepping" to do as well. I have been working through some lessons on CALI, reading, and trying to stay organized (making a calendar), but how much is too much, and how much is not enough?
If nothing else, I will say that my school seems relatively organized. In most of my time as a graduate student I have been lost in websites, rules, regulations, financial aid, and the registrar. In this case I'm told exactly where to go and what to do at what time. In some ways this is a great relief. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thirty-three days until orientation begins!

Vacation? What Vacation?

One of the things that I've constantly read in the books about preparing for law school is that I should be relaxing this summer to prepare for the chaos of the fall semester.  Relax?  I think I've mentioned before that I don't know how to do that. 

Right now I'm teaching two classes online, going through orientation for a new teaching job online, tutoring online, riding horses, reading law school prep books, and....redecorating!

For some reason this week I just decided that I hate everything in my house.  Well, not everything.  But I need a change.  Honestly, I think it's a delayed reaction and reclaiming of my space.  When I moved to Pittsburgh it was great.  I had no memories here, nothing reminded me of the jerk I left in Florida, and I could start new.  Now the problem is that everything here reminds me of Mo.  Last Fourth of July we went to Altoona on the train.  It was an amazing trip when we did absolutely nothing and had a great time.  We planned to take a trip on the train each year.  This year was going to be to a place that began with the letter "B."  We'd work our way through the alphabet from A to Z.  Like my friend Carly asked...where does the good go? That was a truly good day.  Or was it?  There were so many underlying insecurities and lies on that day that what I was living wasn't even true in a way.

Well, I'll tell you what's true today: new lamps, new pillows, new bookcases, new decorations in the bathroom, new teapots, new plants, new pictures, and a wonderful new color in my third bedroom.  If you've never been to my house you won't know this, but my third bedroom is a tiny space that I've turned into a sort of walk-in closet. I've painted it dark red today, hung chandeliers, put in new drapes and mirrors, and gosh darn it, it's awesome!  You should come visit my new life.

Poetry Readings Make Me Sad

Tonight I went to a wonderful poetry reading hosted by Cave Canem and House of Asylum in Pittsburgh's Northside with new friends I met through attending Colrain.  Carl Phillips, Colleen McElroy, Claudia Rankine, and Sapphire read under a tent in the Mexican War Streets neighborhood. Beautiful weather, great people, and an all-around great atmosphere.  Lately though, poetry has made me sad.  So many poems are about love (or at least lust), and listening to these poets tonight made me downright lonely. I am meeting new people, getting out, etc., but still there's something lacking.  I'm just not that girl who likes to come home to an empty house.  Thank goodness for pets.  Mom points out at every opportunity that my pets are a reason someone "wouldn't" want to be with me, but let me tell you, feeding Sterling catnip at eleven o'clock at night straight from the garden and watching him attack the dog that's ten times his size is a darn good end to my evening.

Burkina Faso

Did you ever learn something new, and then it seems you hear about it everywhere you go?  On Monday I went with a friend to see Burkina Electric, a band from Burkina Faso at the Thunderbird Cafe in Lawrenceville.  You should check out both the band and the venue.  Great night!  I don't know why I had never heard of Burkina Faso, but there's a city there named Kaya (like my dog!).  And on television this morning I heard a reference to it also.  It's just amazing how much I don't know!

Really Truly Karma?

Someone who I barely know told me the other day that this was going to be "my year."  I don't know what that means, but today feels pretty darn good.

I am a decent teacher I think.  I've won some awards, and I've gotten some pretty nice praise.  But I've never really loved doing it.  I enjoy moments of it, but I always feel like there's more that I can do.  There's a good chance that at some point I'll teach something again, but right now...I'm not a teacher!!!  Ok, well I'm cheating a little.  I am teaching four online courses...  But I don't have to dress like a teacher!  I don't have to duck in the halls from other faculty members who don't like me.  I don't have anyone yelling, screaming, crying, or puking in my office.  True, now I have to dress like a lawyer and be a poor student again, but at least for today, that feels good.

I don't consider myself to be wishy-washy.  I'm pretty good at making decisions. But I also like to leave my options open.  That's what I've been doing about jobs for the last few years.  I just take everything that comes my way, and do waaaaay too much.  But last night my brain/body wouldn't let me do it anymore, and get this...  I think I was rewarded today for trying to be a little bit human and not work too much.

When I called Duquesne to ask them to consider switching me to a day student, they said they'd be happy to do that.  Not only that, as a day student I am eligible for half my tuition paid the first year and almost all of my tuition paid each subsequent year provided I maintain certain grades.  Seriously!?  That's all I had to do?!  Why did no one tell me this!?  I don't know what my brain/body knew that I didn't, but the decision to not go back to SRU was awesome.  Good news!

Decisions

I have been going back and forth about law school and teaching at Slippery Rock this year.  Apparently my body is making the decision for me.  Last night I put out my clothes for my interview at Slippery Rock today, I organized my resume, and I planned my teaching presentation.  I planned to go and interview even if I didn't take the job.

But it's four in the morning, and I've been up since two.  My mind is racing, my heart is beating a million miles a minute, and I'm basically having a panic attack at the thought of going back to that place.  I don't want to spent 12-15 hours in the car each work week.  I don't want to have no life because I'm driving back and forth.  I want to go to law school.  In fact, I'd prefer to go to law school full time and be out of there is three years.  There, I said it.

Last night I cancelled my cable, my Netflix, my extra features on my cell phone, etc.  I'm back to being a student, darn it.  I don't especially enjoy being poor, but here's to law school, here's to saving a few bucks to hopefully make more in the long run, and here's to living life without working 24/7! Yikes, this is terrifying!

Degrees of Separation

If you're interested in purchasing my new chapbook, Degrees of Separation, for ten dollars, please contact me, and I'll be happy to send off a signed first edition right away!

In Memoriam

On Memorial Day Mom and I went to the Allegheny Cemetery, which is an amazing place in Pittsburgh.  Older than much of the city itself, Pittsburgh literally grew up around it.  I hadn't downloaded the pictures yet, but here they are.  My grandmother, grandfather, great grandmother and others are buried at this historical site.

Breakdown Shakedown

I'm always on the verge of a minor breakdown it seems.  Today I was really close.  I spent the day at my parents' house working, playing with the dogs, and getting up the nerve to ride a crazy horse that is owned by one of the boarders at the barn.  She was definitely abused and promptly dumps anyone off who tries to get on her back.  It's another one of those crazy scary things I do to myself (see yesterday's post) to try and ride an insane horse.

The big thing I found out today is that my law school schedule will be Mon-Thurs every evening until ten o'clock.  How in the heck am I going to drive to school at the place that shall not be mentioned (if I get my job back) at least three hours a day, teach full time, grade papers, study for class, and survive?  I know the rational answer....I can't.  Is it crazy to try?  I feel like my parents are thinking: "you're going to be in debt" and "you need to keep working there so that you can pay the bills and have health insurance."

I'm just so tired. I want to rock law school and be at the top of my class.  I want to get away from teaching.  Did I ever mention I hate being a professor?  ACK!  Ok, sorry for the venting.  I know no one can give me the answer, but I really just don't know where to begin to figure it out right now.

Scaredy Cat

Do you do things that scare you?  Or are you the safe type?  Go to the same restaurants?  Have the same friends?

I'm definitely the former.  From the time I can remember, I did things that scared me.  I was riding horses and competing at the age of four.  And I remember that I was terrified, but that was part of the thrill.  In college I had severe anxiety, but I volunteered each year to be an orientation leader. Suddenly I was in charge of 20 cocky, scared, crazy freshmen.  And we had to do ice breakers!  Ice breakers are truly my nemesis, but I figured if I forced myself to do it, I'd be a better person.

Then I moved to Florida.  Talk about terrifying.  I didn't know anyone, I couldn't even drive a stick, and the car I was taking was a fun new six-speed Firebird. 

I go to running groups that terrify me, poetry readings that terrify men, conferences that terrify me.  And I do it all in the name of "becoming a better person."  But today I'm wondering, is there a way to embrace that quiet and shy personality that is my true self?  I'm wondering this because I'm about to do something again that terrifies me.

I'm headed to law school in two months or so.  The Socratic method scares me, men in suits scare me, being a student who knows nothing again scares me, failing out scares me, not fitting in, not being good at law, not passing...  all of these things terrify me. Why am I doing this again?

I Promise I'll Do Better

The quick recap?  I know, I haven't been on the blog at all lately.  I'll give you the short version, and then I promise I'll be better.
1.  I went to a poetry reading in Pittsburgh.  I ended up at a bar with my former professor.  Strange strange.  Very very strange.
2.  I will be reading at the Polish Hill Arts Festival this July 19th at 2 p.m.  I hope my chapbook's done by then!
3.  The garden is planted, I've sent a million poetry submissions, and I'm settling in to teaching online and catching up.
And finally, I want to know.  How old is too old?  For dating that is.  My next possibility for a "match" is a man 16 years older than me.  A very successful, drives a Porsche, has Pens season tickets three rows from the ice 16 years oldern than me.  Can I really go out with this guy?

Goals are Just Like Another "To Do" List

Don't get me wrong. I like "to do" lists.  However, there's a certain amount of guilt that comes along with making a list and NOT accomplishing everything on it.  So, part of me wants to let myself relax a little and enjoy the next few weeks without sheer panic of "how am I going to pay for law school??" and "what the heck am I going to do for a job???"  But let's be real.  I overanalyze.  I'm a workaholic.  I need lists.  I give you my summer Goal/To Do list.  But here's the caveat.  If I don't accomplish these things, I'm letting myself off the hook.  These things would all be "nice" to do, but they aren't entirely necessary.  By the way, V and Carly inspired this exercise with their lists....

1.  Eat better.  I try to do this, but I often fail when living alone because cooking for myself is sad.  Right now I'm trying the "eat five times a day" smaller meals thing.  I'm also trying to up protein in my diet.  I'll keep you updated.  Tonight for dinner I had whole wheat pasta with broccoli, edamame, and walnuts.  Go me!

2.  Run in a sports bra.  That's right, just a sports bra (and shorts of course). Hey, I'm not getting any younger.  And the fact is that I'm in pretty darn good shape right now.  I work out six or seven days a week.  I have something resembling abs.  And I see those crazy Slippery Rock runners all over town in a sports bra.  Maybe I won't do this in Mt. Oliver, but I will do it!

3.  Read more.  Like, you know, things I actually enjoy!

4.  Get out more, drink more, be social.  I'm not doing too badly at this.  (Laura, you need to help me here!)

5.  Prepare for law school.  I've bought a few books, downloaded a few classes, etc.

6.  Ride horses.

7.  Run a few road races.

8.  Send out the best possible book manuscript I can.  By the way, I realized a few days ago in my wallowing that if Mo and I hadn't split (thank goodness we did of course) that I likely never would have gone to Colrain to get my manuscript revised, never have published a chapbook, never have met some new friends, etc.  So, here's to all the other good things that will soon happen because of our parting ways!

Catching Up

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur, so let me just give you the highlights. 

I really decided I needed to get away, so I jumped in my parents' car (better gas mileage) and headed to Colrain, Massachusetts for a poetry manuscript conference, where I met some fantastic people and new friends! The pictures here are from that trip and the amazing "Round House" we stayed in. The great news here is that when I returned home, I sent out a chapbook manuscript, which will be published in the next few months from Pudding House Press.  Also, I got a new job with American Intercontinental University (online) and interviewed at Strayer University as well.  That's the good news.

The bad news is that it's just been a tough few weeks emotionally. Mo and I were supposed to get married this week.  I found a card in my nightstand saying how we'd spend the rest of our lives together from him, and it just made me mad at the ability we humans have to fool ourselves.  My parents are leaving for St. Martin (where we were supposed to enjoy our honeymoon) on Saturday, so I'll be pretty alone here.

Also, I had to clean out my office from my last job.  It was strange without anyone even saying goodbye.  I've never really left a place of work except to move on to something better.  Right now I'm working my butt off doing miscellaneous jobs, but no health insurance, I still know very few people in this city, and only more debt (law school) to look forward to.  It's not exactly where I'd like to be, but I suppose at least I'm on a road to somewhere.

New Page

Ok, just to be confusing, I have a new webpage for more "professional" information.  Check it out!

I'm NOT Making this Up

Heaven forbid I mention the name of the university where I teach (I already got in trouble for that one last year!), but today is my final day of classes.  We still have finals and all that jazz, but this is it for official classes. I was here on a nine month position, and after this week I'm likely going to be the most overqualified barista at Starbucks in the local Pittsburgh area.  However, I have to tell you this. 

There are many reasons I don't teach preschool  One of my top reasons: puke.  That's right, I will clean up my pet's puke and, heck, even my family or friend's puke, but I refuse to clean up random kid puke.  Today I learned that even avoiding preschool can't help you stay away from this problem.  At freakin' 7:30 a.m., I had a student enter my office.  She hiccupped and gagged a few words out before barfing all over my office.  How many people do you think throw up at Starbucks in any given year?

Drinking Pina Coladas Straight from the Bucket (or Sam's Club is an Evil Evil Place)

Here are some things I wanted to say to people today.  Thankfully, my filter is functioning fine, and I restrained myself.

1.  To the employee at Petco:  Yes, I'm wearing a dress and heels.  No, I do not need your scrawny butt to carry my twenty pound bag of dog food.  I could bench press you and my dog together.

2.  To my high school graduating class:  Thank goodness you invited everyone to a class reunion except the two top students!  You have again proven your stupidity as a group, and I can continue to hope for a giant meteor to crash through your town leaving behind no one.

3.  To the man I volunteered with today:  One, do not use the table cloth for your hairy, ham sandwich and mayonnaise covered hands.  Two, yes blue and orange do go together.  For goodness sakes, it's a Dooney and Bourke bag.  It would go with the table cloth if I was wearing it!  Three, no, I do not want to shake your hand at the end of the day.

4.  To Sam's Club: Please stop sending me emails to remind me that my boyfriend twice removed needs to pick up his contact lenses.  I hope said boyfriend is blind and withering away in a cave somewhere.  I love your buckets of pina coladas for four dollars, but I don't need a history lesson of how my life has changed.

Does Anyone Know How to Keep Busy WITHOUT Working?

Today was kind of a tough day.  Nothing terrible, just a few minor things that threaten to throw off the delicate balance that is my sanity.  I got an invitation to my younger cousin's wedding today.  I am happy for her!  But I couldn't help but think I was planning on being married next month, and we were going to go to her wedding together.  Can I really go alone?  The bread I made didn't rise.  Running hurt like hell.  I have no job in three weeks.  I'm frustrated with not being able to get my manuscript published, my students are just at that point when all they do is yell at me and hate me, and I definitely got to the point that all I wanted to do was drink soda and eat doughnuts.  That's my low point.

So, when I'm stressed, I work.  Most of you know I teach at Slippery Rock, I teach online courses, I grade SATs, I work for Smarthinking tutoring, I work for another grading company, and so on.  And yes, I do all of these things almost every day.  I also work out 1-2 hours a day, have taken on volunteering at the history center museum, ride horses, cook, go to hockey games, take care of the house with new projects (it's spring and the garden needs planted...), etc. etc. etc.  The truth is that this is the first time I've sat down all day.  This is what I do.  I work until I can work no more.  So, being busy is my way of coping, but I pay for it by exhausting my body and mind.

But what's the alternative?  I could sit on my butt and watch t.v.  Even that I can't do, because I want to be working on my course online, reading, grading, or otherwise multitasking when watching television.   Someone please tell me.  What am I supposed to do that's relaxing and yet still "doing something." What do you do to relax!?

Book Recommendation

Ok, I found a fantastic book this week.  It's called Artisan Bread in Five Minutes A Day.  Basically, the idea is that you spend five minutes mixing up dough, and you can keep this for about two weeks in the refrigerator.  I mixed my first bread dough yesterday, and I made the first loaf tonight.  It was awesome!

 

Yinz Aren't Going to Believe This One

Guess what I did today?  I went to church.  Okay, most of you probably don't realize how big of a deal that is, but I haven't ever willingly gone to a church in my life.  Some of my hatred of organized religion is based on early experiences, and I admit that they're my own personal prejudices.  However, I found my way this morning to the UU Church in South Hills: Sunnyhill.  I almost turned around in the parking lot and drove home, but I made it in.  I met many welcoming and wonderful people, and I think I'm going to try visiting the UU church on the North Side that supposedly is focused on social justice before I make any commitments, but it was an adventure for me today!  Also, I submitted my deposit to attend Writing Between the Lines in Kenya next December.  That's right, Kenya!  I received a fellowship to the Summer Lit. Seminar programs, and I'm just so excited for the safari portion of the trip.  Is is awful that I'd rather take pictures than write poetry?!

Final Regular Season Game at Mellon Arena

I can't even put into words how amazing the Penguins' 7-3 win over the Islanders was last Thursday night.  This was the final regular season game at Mellon Arena, and I attended with my dad.  The best thing I can do is post the pictures.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh...

the Stanley Cup is safe tonight.  How do I  know?  Well, for the last five hours it was (partially) my responsibility!

I have been looking for a perfect volunteer opportunity in Pittsburgh for a while.  In the past I've worked in animal shelters, reading programs, environmental programs....  but a few weeks ago I signed up to volunteer at the Heinz History Center, an amazing place including a sports museum in the 'burgh.  And wouldn't you know, the Stanley Cup along with 10 other trophies has been in the museum the last few days.

They needed volunteers to help watch the Cup, take pictures, etc. and if there's a more perfect volunteer opportunity in the world for me I can't imagine it!  How cool that I just spent the evening from seven until midnight hanging out with Penguins and hockey nuts talking and sharing Cup stories.

No, I don't have pictures.  But I don't care.  Standing next to the Hart Trophy and the Lady Byng was so worth it.  The Prince of Wales trophy was outstanding!  And at the end of the night they rushed the Cup off to some "safe" place for hockey fans to enjoy another day.

Am I Awake?

I don't have too much to say, because as much as I work to believe in karma, I think I also believe in jinxes, but the truth is that lately I'm feeling hopeful.  And for me, that's a big step.  Sure, most of my friends think I'm an optimist, but deep deep down, I often don't expect things to work out. However, I've been doing an awful lot of reading lately.  I've been reading about religion especially, particularly Buddhism, although I'm not sure I'd consider it a "religion" in the way most westerners define religion.  If I believed in signs I'd cite the following ways in which I'm becoming a bit more "awakened," the goal of all buddhists.
1.  This blog.  Why am I so fascinated with karma?
2.  My age.  Did you know it wasn't until the age of 29 that Siddhartha Gautama became "Buddha" that we recognize today? 
3.  My dreams.  I'm dreaming more of a groups of supportive people in my life rather than the disasters that will come or have affected me over the last few years.
4.  At least a few times a day I'm able to stop and say, "Well, that's what life is like today.  It might be good or bad, but I am certain that this moment is fleeting.  It will change.  Life will not be exactly what I expect to be nor should it.  And for at least this small moment I'm okay with letting go of what I think I should have/want/do with my life."
5.  I realize that tomorrow none of this may be true.  It might be an awful day.  But this too will pass.
6.  Nothing great has happened, and yet I still feel like something great (something great as in large and momentous) is happening!

Bad Karma?

Did you ever open your mouth only to find out shortly after that you've sent something terrible into the world.  Seems like even when I mean well, I'm digging myself into a karmic black hole.  My last post was about how much I love living in Pittsburgh and how I'm supposed to be here.  No sooner did I think that thought than karma struck me down.  I know it's bad to put too much information on the internet, so I will stop here and say that if you're a friend and not just a passerby to my blog please send me an email or give me a call, and I'd be glad to fill you in on the latest Mo saga.  I could use a friendly voice or just someone to chat anyway! 

Cloudy with a Chance of Penguins

Ahhh Pittsburgh. I do love it here. It was the most beautiful day today. I rode horses, and it was the perfect temperature with no bugs and no humidity. Yesterday I went to the hockey game and then out to dinner with my mom after. As we walked out of the restaurant, there was Max Talbot hanging out on the South Side. I love that we sit next to Jeff Reed at Steelers games and laugh at his t-shirts. This week his shirt said: "Not you, the pretty one." What an idiot, and I say that with the most endearing sarcasm I can manage. I sat on the Parkway for three hours today, but I love it here! This is one think I'm thankful for; this city is definitely where I'm meant to be for now. And I better be thankful today because for the next ten days it's rain, clouds, and showers. Yippee!

No One Over 25 Should Wear Flip Flops

Well, that's what my 40-something officemate told me today. Damn. I'm in trouble. I've been coveting my Rainbows and Reefs for the last few weeks. I can't wait to bust out the sandals, flip flops, open-toed shoes, and the like. Am I really too old? Did I live in Florida too long? What happens when I want to wear my "dressy" leather Minnetonka flip flops to class?! On a side note, what do you do when someone says something you don't agree with at all? In fact, it's something that could be insulting to you. Do you smile and nod? I did. I laughed and smiled, indicating that I believe in a flip flop-free world for the middle-aged. And yet, I do not. I'm sorry dear sandals. I guess I'll be the crazy hippy 80-year old rocking the flip flops, and I don't care a bit!

Spring?

Robins in the front yard. Too warm in my Jeep for a coat. Bands outside on campus today. Spring might be hiding somewhere around the corner. I hope this is exactly the change I need. Isn't it so much easier to have a positive attitude when it smells and feels like something new? Ok, that's what I'm hoping at least.

Over Spring Break I started out great with photography classes, getting a lot of grading done, and visiting my parents and hanging out with their puppy during the days when they were at work. After a few days though, I was over it. I'm just not one for sitting still. I don't like spending an entire day in the house, but what is there to do outside when it's pouring down rain and freezing? I don't have money to spend, and I don't have a lot of people here in Pittsburgh to hang out with. I should mention that I did have a fun outing to the Rivers Casino on Sunday for the champagne brunch with a friend, however! Unfortunately, I did not win enough money on the slots to pay for law school.

So, I was ready for break to be over. Here's the problem. I hate being back to school. Literally, as soon as I set foot on this campus my head begins to throb. I'm not supposed to be a professor, but I'm not qualified to do anything else. I don't have the cutthroat attitude that seems to be a requirement in an academic department. It's strange though, because in other areas of my life I'm very competitive. In high school and even in college I really wanted to be the best, but it's just not worth it here, and I don't even know how to be the best. I keep imagining being at the top of my law school class, but is that just another pipe dream?

I'm finding myself thinking a lot these days of happy times. Having brunch in Florida with my friend and her husband outdoors. Running a fantastic race in Jacksonville and meeting amazing people. Getting poems published. Riding horses competitively. And all of these things make me sad. My friends in Florida no longer speak to me, I can't run because of my leg and knee, I haven't had a bit of luck publishing my book or poems, and my horse isn't really as young as she used to be. I think it's about time to make a list of the things I am thankful for and also to really focus my energy on some positive things. Stay tuned for more inspiration...

A Break from What Exactly?

Spring Break officially started today. Well, it started for me on Thursday evening, and I don't go back until the 16th. Sounds nice, right? Not exactly. Mo and I were supposed to be looking at wedding venues this week after we went to his med school interview at WVU. Instead, I'm grading papers and watching Grand Theft Parsons alone. You know what though? It could be worse!

It's hard for me to take a break. I can't really sit still, let alone not have plans for the next nine days. So, my break isn't really from work. I'm going to grade SATs, write book reviews, work for Smarthinking, teach my online class...well, you get the idea. But I'm also going to have some fun too.


Yesterday I bought a snazzy new camera bag for the photography class I signed up for that starts on Monday. It's at CCAC, and I'm really looking forward to taking the class as well as possibly meeting some new people. Today I went to another community education class at CCAC about making fresh mozzarella! Although my stomach hurts from the caprese salad, the mozzarella roulades, and the homemade foccacia bread with olive tapenade, I enjoyed every minute of it.

And there's good news. My radar is not entirely defunct. There was a sincere man near my age at the mozzarella class who was there with his mother. He had served in Iraq and recently returned home to finish a degree in Pittsburgh. He has the kind of face that comes alive when he smiles and he blushes when he talks. I sure wish I could see him again. All I know is his name is Patrick, and that it was enough for today. It was enough to know that there was still a familiar feeling of attraction stirring somewhere deep down for someone/anyone new.

Date Number 2 = The Date that Wasn't a Date

So, I heard from another "match" on Monday evening by phone. He's a doctor from just across the PA border in Ohio. It was a disturbing conversation for me in many ways. Well, the conversation itself wasn't so bad, but my emotions afterward have been a bit turbulent.

The conversation was pretty superficial: sports, family, school, food in Pittsburgh, etc. There was at least one minute of complete silence in which I just sat there and waited for him to talk. Turns out he pretty much hates a lot of things I love: Pittsburgh sports (especially the Steelers), the beach (thinks it's an awful and uncomfortable place), expensive restaurants (that's one of my favorite splurges), etc. I know that you don't have to like all of the same things as your significant other. And I've always thought that I would prefer actually to be with someone who wasn't exactly like me so that I could learn from them, but I just felt....well, annoyed as we talked.

The fact is that Mo and I hit it off from the start. Our first phone conversation was perfect. We didn't want to hang up. Our first date was great, we hung out and made dinner the next day together, and I never felt uncomfortable in any situation for any moment with him. This was a new feeling for me. I've always been incredibly shy and protective of my space. But I opened up with Mo and let him in right away. That's one of the reasons his betrayal is so upsetting. I mean, who did I let in to my life? Certainly it wasn't the person I thought. Is sexuality a major part of your identity? I believe so. And he hid his sexuality from me, right? So, what was I so attracted to? Was it just lust, or was it love at first sight? Did I love him in spite of being a liar or did I love the lie and never really know him?

I don't want to work so hard. I want to fall in love with the hot waiter from Lidia's from across the room, have a magical first kiss, and work through all the tough spots of a relationship without ever questioning, "Am I really attracted to this person?" I always questioned this in my last relationship (which by the way was in all respects an abusive one).

Do I love the wrong people? Am I attracted to the broken and the damaged? The liars? I know that I'm attracted to passion. I fell in love with Dan (the abuser) the night I saw him play the guitar. He truly lost himself in the enjoyment of that performance, and that was the moment I loved him. With Mo, I loved him from the start because he was passionate about me. He never took his eyes off me, and he never stopped telling me how amazing I was (even when he was lying). I miss that, but I'm confused as to what I'm missing. I don't miss Mo. I guess, I miss passion. There must be a balance in some human being out there for me that is passionate but also true and faithful. I feel as though in ever disastrous relationship I've found just a part of the puzzle. One loved me but didn't love himself. One loved everything but me. One loved something else and never me.

Anyway, back to the date that wasn't a date. At the end of the phone conversation, the doctor (I'm trying to avoid names) said something along the lines of, "Maybe we can talk again soon." There was no "Let's hang out some time" or "Let's get together." And I was left feeling like I had another unsuccessful conversation. Can you grow to love someone? I've always heard this is possible? But I just have never done it. Maybe I'm judgmental. But the truth is that I can meet a person and know/feel my attraction to them. This goes for friends and loved ones both male and female. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me. Should I be more open to people who don't immediately set off my attraction meter? Or is that meter the only thing I can trust? Even when it leads me off to hell, there's always been a lot of pleasure along the way.

Date Number 1 = Free Dinner Number 1

I had my first date this evening that was set up by the aforementioned service. I'm going to write about it now, even though I want to sink into my oh-so-comfy bed, watch Desperate Housewives, and sleep until noon tomorrow.

Perhaps that gives you a hint about how it went. Where to begin? So, the guy is a lawyer/construction management worker who is 38. We met at Bravo for dinner. I am proud to say I made it in the door without my heart literally jumping through my chest. When I got within five miles of the place I about had a serious panic attack. I'm just so bad at blind dates, and this was an uncomfortable situation!

My first impression of him was: old. I'm just being truthful. And I don't mean old like headed for the grave old. I just mean old like the creepy guy at the bar who you wonder why he's talking to you and you go check for any new wrinkles old.

The first few moments were a little awkward because it seemed that he wanted me to get to the bar early and have a drink before our seven o'clock reservations, and I thought I was supposed to be there at seven. He kept saying he understood and he's just always early. Wait!? I was sitting in the parking for the last 20 minutes. Don't tell me about being early buddy.

Ok, so dinner. To be honest, the conversation was good. I ordered a glass of wine. I figured he had a drink at the bar, so I wasn't being out of line there. Pasta, bread, blah blah blah. We do have a few things in common: likes in music, both own a corvette, etc. We honestly had a lot to talk about. We stayed until the restaurant closed at 9:30 and hung around for coffee as well. He paid for dinner. I offered to split it or leave the tip. He said since it was his suggestion to go there, I didn't need to.

The part that freaked me out a little was when we left for the evening. We said goodnight in front of the restaurant, there was a quick hug and kiss on the cheek from him, and then he asked me why I was trying to meet someone this way. I was vague, but basically I said something along the lines of "I have made a few bad choices recently, and I thought anyone might make better choices for me than I do myself." He went on to describe every bar, club, etc. that he'd been in looking for women. I don't know. At this point, I just got a little sleazy old man vibe again. But maybe he's just desperately searching and doesn't know where else to do it?

Ok, so I headed for the Jeep, and he said he'd give me a call if I wanted to go out again. But it was a little awkward. He said, "How about Saturday nights? I'm always looking for something to do on Saturday nights." At that moment I felt like he wasn't really interested in me but just was looking for someone to spend happy hour with. Maybe he was just awkward because he was afraid I'd say no? On the other hand, who would say no in the middle of a parking lot with your teeth chattering and snow starting to fall? Wouldn't most girls just say "sure" and not answer his phone call? So, I guess I wonder what there is to be afraid of. I just didn't get the vibe that he was all that into me I guess.

Was I into him? Good question. My whole radar is off, I've got to say. I thought that the problem was that I couldn't find the right apple. Maybe the problem is that even when I do pick up the fruit, I can't tell when it's rotten on the inside.

Rejection

I'm still feeling happy happy joy joy, but today was a bit tougher. Gosh darn it...I will be the girl who is always smiling and says she's "Wonderful" when someone asks in the hall! But today, I'm having my doubts.

Have you ever had someone mistake you for someone else who you thought was entirely unattractive? Well, the third person at my place of employment (which I won't mention since that got me in trouble before) mistook me today for another woman in the department. This other woman, forgive me, has a freakin' horse face! Sure, she's blonde. And yes, she might be about the same height as me. Beyond that, I'm offended. I know that's terrible, but if we really look that similar, I'm just sad.

Second, I received my first "rejection" from the matchmaker. Let me tell you how it works basically. After you fork over the cash, you get photos, and then after you wait not so patiently, you receive profiles of possible matches. You choose who you'd like to consider as a match, and then they are contacted and consider you for a match. One of the men I chose did not choose me. Now, I realize that this is completely ludicrous to feel rejected. I mean, maybe he didn't like my age. Maybe he hates blondes. Whatever! But the wonderfully polite email I received from the service saying he had "graciously declined" sent me straight to the refrigerator. Thank goodness all I've got in there is sugar free Jello pudding. Sixty calories worth of rejection thank you very much.

Spoiler Alert....

I know it's bizarre, but have you seen the celeb matchmaker on t.v.? Or the matchmaker to the stars? Well, believe it or not, there's a matchmaker in my hometown also. Ok, so maybe she'll match me with "yinzers" and rednecks, but I'm warning you...I'm going to try it! The truth is that I believe someone who actually goes in search of a potential mate and yes, even pays money to do so, might be exactly the opposite of the commitment-phobes I seek and destroy. So, get ready. I plan to have some good stories about these fantastic men she claims she can set me up with.

Law School

Ok, just a quick update. I was accepted into law school in Pittsburgh this week. I received a call from the Dean of Admissions. I haven't gotten the official letter (which I'm hoping might involve some good news about funding/financial aid), but I'm in! Certainly I don't know what I'm doing yet; however, I'm open to suggestions as always!

Mo' Problems

I've been quiet for a week. The truth is, I've been embarrasssed. I gave Mo one last try of it. And, you know, even though it ended in police, screaming, and hurt in the middle of a busy Pittsburgh street, I'm glad I did it. All along I've been saying that I didn't hate him. In fact, I loved him and thought that perhaps that love was enough. So, for the last seven days I gave it a final shot. Day 1 involved chocolate, flowers, dinner, etc. That was the the high point. From there, it deteriorated into, as I've said, threats and police. It's officially over. Aren't you proud of me? And I finally know for sure that he cares more about a 20 dollar piece of Target luggage full of his dirty underwear than me. I'm good. It's sunny this morning in Pittsburgh, I'm ready to do some shopping, and life gets better from here!
Does anyone remember this? I haven't thought about it in years and years...but I can't get it out of my head today!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfPg5LjGYz8

I Want that T-Shirt!

Ok, I can be an impulse buyer sometimes. Not usually with huge purchases...but the small things stick in my head. Here's what I want today: On How I Met Your Mother last night Ted was wearing a t-shirt for the White Horse Saloon. I noticed it, and tried to look it up online. I hope I'm not the only one who has discovered at some point in her life that there's some obvious thing you should have known about but were somehow woefully unaware. Dylan Thomas drank himself to death (as legend has it) at the White Horse Saloon?! How did I not know this. Sure, I know City Lights. I know Haight-Ashbury. I even know Frank O'Hara died in a dune buggy accident. How in the world did I miss the White Horse Saloon in getting a PhD in poetry for goodness sake! Anyway, if you know where I can find this t-shirt, please let me know!

30 Seconds of Fame

Well, if you get a chance to watch the Ch. 11 News in Pittsburgh tonight, you might see my terrified face! I ventured out into Snowmageddon today because I had to get gas for work tomorrow, and I actually fooled myself into thinking I'd get near a grocery store. No luck on the groceries, but the news did catch me while I was pumping gas at GetGo. That was an interesting experience!
http://www.wpxi.com/video/22503886/?taf=burg

Help! I Have an Addiction

Drugs? Alcohol? Bad boyfriends? Nope. I have an addiction to school. I always joked that when I was done with my PhD there was nothing left but law school, and believe it or not, I finished two law school applications today. Am I crazy? Here are my pros and cons. Where do you weigh in?

Pros to going to law school:

- it's something I've always planned on doing

- meet a new group of people

- get to make a difference vs. teaching students semicolons for the rest of my life

- I think I'd be good at it

- I could still go back to teaching (law)

- it's impossible to get a job teaching poetry right now and my book just isn't getting published

Cons to going to law school:

- more debt

- time involved in another degree

- what if this isn't what I want to do either?

- neglecting poetry and teaching

Anyway, I applied to Duquesne and Pitt. I don't really want to leave the city since I own a house and my family/horses etc. are here. Duquesne's easier to get into, but it would be a huge investment in money! Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

P.S. On the topic of addiction, I deactivated my facebook account today. Do I really need to keep searching Mo's picture and his friends? Do I really care what my high school classmate is doing? The truth is that it's fun, but I want to live in the now! I want to get out and meet new people and not hang onto people from my past that I'll likely never see again. So, if you've found your way here, you're probably someone I care about keeping around. Help me stay away from facebook!

Snowed In

The one thing I don't want to do is be stuck in the house. Guess what? It's a freakin' state of emergency. No cars allowed out. Of course, I can't even reach my Jeep to get out if I wanted to. The darn dog refuses to pee because she gets lost in the drifts. How's everyone else doing with this weather?

Have You Googled Yourself Lately?

I keep thinking about what I want this blog to be. Partly it's a place to keep my friends updated. Partly I'd like to make new friends. I'd also like to hold myself accountable. I think what I mean by that is I want to have a place, a community of sorts, where people judge my actions. They're honest about what I'm doing, what I'm saying, and how the feel about those things. So for now, one of the things I want to do here is figure out what kind of person I want to be. I tend to define myself in relation to others, and I don't think that's entirely bad because it means I'm not always thinking of myself. But who do I want to be? Next time I google my own name, I want to find fantastic and amazing things about myself! Starting today I'm going to do things that help me interact with others on a regular basis. I'm not going to choose to be alone. Volunteer? Date? Run outdoors more? Meet the neighbors? This is my late resolution for the year to get out there and get going!!!

I'm Painting My Nails Red Because I Can

What did I do today? Honestly, I just tried to get through the day. And I was doing pretty darn good until I found out that Mo (see earlier posts) had contacted my friend online to ask how I was doing. This initially threw me for a loop. He cared! He cared! Ah... but that would make too much sense. Turns out, it's just that he was making himself look like the good guy. You know, "I wasn't the one who gave up," and "She's the one being crazy" kind of stuff. It's very simple buddy. One week ago you loved me and wanted to marry me. Today you "care" not love me, and not once did you ever face me to tell me that you might not want to get married. Ok, now that I've got that out. Not only that. You also put my sweet friend in the awkward position of having to call me and tell me that you had contacted her. Let me just count the ways I hate you a bit more each day.

The most exciting part of the day was absolutely, Snowmageddon! It has snowed at least 6-8 inches since this afternoon here in Pittsburgh. And it's that wonderful thick like cookie dough snow that gets in your socks and freezes your ankles on the way to the mailbox. In fact, the blue sparks shooting from the transformers on my street seem to indicate that I may not have power for much longer. So, while I wait for the end, I'm blogging and painting my nails an obnoxious shade of red (just because Mo always liked them unpainted).

Anyone have any tips for self portraits? I got a digital SLR for Christmas, and I'm in serious need of some shots for various projects, but I did try to take some pics this evening, and didn't have much luck. Any of these decent enough?

The Breakup Cookbook

I don't want this to be a blog all about breaking up. I swear I don't. I want it to be a blog about moving on. But there are still a few pieces of me that need retouched and photoshopped back to their original glory. Although I did all of the cooking for the last year in my relationship I have to admit that I'm not looking forward to going back to frozen Healthy Choice entrees. Somehow it's sad for me to cook a huge meal for myself on the other hand. Voila! The Breakup Cookbook. Check out the awesome awesome blog I found this morning!
http://breakupcookbook.com/

Moving On

I know. I know. I'm supposed to be moving on. But come on! How can I resist entering a contest in order to see a monster truck crush a car with my ex's name on it!?

http://y108.com/Crush-Your-Ex/6259542

I Believe

If Ugly Betty can win a "Blobby" and a young woman can reach Julia Child through her blog, then I can call on karma! This... is my story. I won't drown you in self-pity, and I'm not bragging, but I do need your help. I am (and I don't necessarily think this a good thing), I truly am, the epitome of too nice. Do I want you to help make me more mean? Well, that's a good start, but truly I want reach someone/anyone who might get a laugh from my tale. I want to hear stories like my own. I want your advice when I'm about to make a big mistake. I want good things to come from this blog, because I need to believe that karma will work it all out. I don't want to change, but I do need to figure out a way to make this a positive part of who I am.

It all started in fifth grade when the boy I was dating dumped me in history class. Ok, not really. I guess it all starts today. My past is this: user, abusers, and most recently a fiance who lied about his sexuality. You got it. I had the ring, I was picking dresses, and it was only a few months away, when by Facebook chat (you read that right) my insignificant other decided to inform me about his bisexuality after a year of dating. I haven't seen him since, and I know that's for the best.

Here's a fun fact to get you going. This "other," let's call him Mo, still claims that he hasn't lied. Why? Well, we did meet online. After the last debacle (we'll get into that another time) I decided I'd at least give the online thing a brief chance. As Mo says, he wasn't dishonest in the least. In fact, there was no "box" to check bisexual on eHarmony, and therefore he never lied to me and was never in the wrong.

That's enough of Mo for now. Let's get to the good stuff. I want your advice. Where do I go from here? Paint his car pink? Put his picture in my toilet? Pretend he never existed? Find a date? If so, how? Let me know what you think.