So, I heard from another "match" on Monday evening by phone. He's a doctor from just across the PA border in Ohio. It was a disturbing conversation for me in many ways. Well, the conversation itself wasn't so bad, but my emotions afterward have been a bit turbulent.
The conversation was pretty superficial: sports, family, school, food in Pittsburgh, etc. There was at least one minute of complete silence in which I just sat there and waited for him to talk. Turns out he pretty much hates a lot of things I love: Pittsburgh sports (especially the Steelers), the beach (thinks it's an awful and uncomfortable place), expensive restaurants (that's one of my favorite splurges), etc. I know that you don't have to like all of the same things as your significant other. And I've always thought that I would prefer actually to be with someone who wasn't exactly like me so that I could learn from them, but I just felt....well, annoyed as we talked.
The fact is that Mo and I hit it off from the start. Our first phone conversation was perfect. We didn't want to hang up. Our first date was great, we hung out and made dinner the next day together, and I never felt uncomfortable in any situation for any moment with him. This was a new feeling for me. I've always been incredibly shy and protective of my space. But I opened up with Mo and let him in right away. That's one of the reasons his betrayal is so upsetting. I mean, who did I let in to my life? Certainly it wasn't the person I thought. Is sexuality a major part of your identity? I believe so. And he hid his sexuality from me, right? So, what was I so attracted to? Was it just lust, or was it love at first sight? Did I love him in spite of being a liar or did I love the lie and never really know him?
I don't want to work so hard. I want to fall in love with the hot waiter from Lidia's from across the room, have a magical first kiss, and work through all the tough spots of a relationship without ever questioning, "Am I really attracted to this person?" I always questioned this in my last relationship (which by the way was in all respects an abusive one).
Do I love the wrong people? Am I attracted to the broken and the damaged? The liars? I know that I'm attracted to passion. I fell in love with Dan (the abuser) the night I saw him play the guitar. He truly lost himself in the enjoyment of that performance, and that was the moment I loved him. With Mo, I loved him from the start because he was passionate about me. He never took his eyes off me, and he never stopped telling me how amazing I was (even when he was lying). I miss that, but I'm confused as to what I'm missing. I don't miss Mo. I guess, I miss passion. There must be a balance in some human being out there for me that is passionate but also true and faithful. I feel as though in ever disastrous relationship I've found just a part of the puzzle. One loved me but didn't love himself. One loved everything but me. One loved something else and never me.
Anyway, back to the date that wasn't a date. At the end of the phone conversation, the doctor (I'm trying to avoid names) said something along the lines of, "Maybe we can talk again soon." There was no "Let's hang out some time" or "Let's get together." And I was left feeling like I had another unsuccessful conversation. Can you grow to love someone? I've always heard this is possible? But I just have never done it. Maybe I'm judgmental. But the truth is that I can meet a person and know/feel my attraction to them. This goes for friends and loved ones both male and female. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me. Should I be more open to people who don't immediately set off my attraction meter? Or is that meter the only thing I can trust? Even when it leads me off to hell, there's always been a lot of pleasure along the way.