Robins in the front yard. Too warm in my Jeep for a coat. Bands outside on campus today. Spring might be hiding somewhere around the corner. I hope this is exactly the change I need. Isn't it so much easier to have a positive attitude when it smells and feels like something new? Ok, that's what I'm hoping at least.
Over Spring Break I started out great with photography classes, getting a lot of grading done, and visiting my parents and hanging out with their puppy during the days when they were at work. After a few days though, I was over it. I'm just not one for sitting still. I don't like spending an entire day in the house, but what is there to do outside when it's pouring down rain and freezing? I don't have money to spend, and I don't have a lot of people here in Pittsburgh to hang out with. I should mention that I did have a fun outing to the Rivers Casino on Sunday for the champagne brunch with a friend, however! Unfortunately, I did not win enough money on the slots to pay for law school.
So, I was ready for break to be over. Here's the problem. I hate being back to school. Literally, as soon as I set foot on this campus my head begins to throb. I'm not supposed to be a professor, but I'm not qualified to do anything else. I don't have the cutthroat attitude that seems to be a requirement in an academic department. It's strange though, because in other areas of my life I'm very competitive. In high school and even in college I really wanted to be the best, but it's just not worth it here, and I don't even know how to be the best. I keep imagining being at the top of my law school class, but is that just another pipe dream?
I'm finding myself thinking a lot these days of happy times. Having brunch in Florida with my friend and her husband outdoors. Running a fantastic race in Jacksonville and meeting amazing people. Getting poems published. Riding horses competitively. And all of these things make me sad. My friends in Florida no longer speak to me, I can't run because of my leg and knee, I haven't had a bit of luck publishing my book or poems, and my horse isn't really as young as she used to be. I think it's about time to make a list of the things I am thankful for and also to really focus my energy on some positive things. Stay tuned for more inspiration...