I'm Too Sexy

One of the greatest things Mo gave me for this summer was: time.  I have no idea how I could have survived another semester of driving to his crappy apartment and getting up at 4 a.m. to rush home to feed the dog.  He refused to get up early with me (or even compromise) and insisted on only having time to hang out at 11 at night until ungodly hours of the morning.  I was honestly in pain every day by the end of my time teaching.

Here's my schedule right now:

*  Get up between 5:30 and 6:30 (depends on how far I'm running)
*  Run/work Out
* 7:30-8 Breakfast (I'm trying to be really healthy before school starts, so I'm actually cooking eggs, etc.)
* 8-5:00 Work on Smarthinking (mixed with online teaching at South, reading law books, doing email, etc.)
* 5-9:00 Work on Grading/South online teaching
* 9-10:00 Live Office Hours at AIU
*10-11:00 Grading/teaching AIU
* 11-midnight Live Teaching at AIU (I sit online with a very attractive microphone talking to myself)

Then I try and sleep and do it all over again.  In order for me to "do" anything else, I have to take off work.  So, if I want to go out for the evening or go to the barn, I either need to take my laptop or request off work.  When in the world would I have had time to stress over the lies and betrayals of Mo?

Yet, of course, there are moments when I'm incredibly lonely!  I especially feel this way when I have plans and they are changed.  I honestly wonder: will I ever be with anyone in a relationship again?  My mom pointed out that it was crazy to see my college friend (thanks for visiting S!) with a minivan and three kids.  And my dad said, "Well, that's normal for her age."  Okay, thanks, Dad.  Glad to know I'm not normal to you.

As I was running yesterday at six in the morning, feeling especially blah, I slogged past a man who was listening to his iPod at the bus stop.  Under her breath, he let out, "Sexxxxy."  It was rude, inappropriate, and creepy.  But thanks goodness, I thought...  at least someone still thinks I'm sexy.

Decisions

I have been going back and forth about law school and teaching at Slippery Rock this year.  Apparently my body is making the decision for me.  Last night I put out my clothes for my interview at Slippery Rock today, I organized my resume, and I planned my teaching presentation.  I planned to go and interview even if I didn't take the job.

But it's four in the morning, and I've been up since two.  My mind is racing, my heart is beating a million miles a minute, and I'm basically having a panic attack at the thought of going back to that place.  I don't want to spent 12-15 hours in the car each work week.  I don't want to have no life because I'm driving back and forth.  I want to go to law school.  In fact, I'd prefer to go to law school full time and be out of there is three years.  There, I said it.

Last night I cancelled my cable, my Netflix, my extra features on my cell phone, etc.  I'm back to being a student, darn it.  I don't especially enjoy being poor, but here's to law school, here's to saving a few bucks to hopefully make more in the long run, and here's to living life without working 24/7! Yikes, this is terrifying!

Goals are Just Like Another "To Do" List

Don't get me wrong. I like "to do" lists.  However, there's a certain amount of guilt that comes along with making a list and NOT accomplishing everything on it.  So, part of me wants to let myself relax a little and enjoy the next few weeks without sheer panic of "how am I going to pay for law school??" and "what the heck am I going to do for a job???"  But let's be real.  I overanalyze.  I'm a workaholic.  I need lists.  I give you my summer Goal/To Do list.  But here's the caveat.  If I don't accomplish these things, I'm letting myself off the hook.  These things would all be "nice" to do, but they aren't entirely necessary.  By the way, V and Carly inspired this exercise with their lists....

1.  Eat better.  I try to do this, but I often fail when living alone because cooking for myself is sad.  Right now I'm trying the "eat five times a day" smaller meals thing.  I'm also trying to up protein in my diet.  I'll keep you updated.  Tonight for dinner I had whole wheat pasta with broccoli, edamame, and walnuts.  Go me!

2.  Run in a sports bra.  That's right, just a sports bra (and shorts of course). Hey, I'm not getting any younger.  And the fact is that I'm in pretty darn good shape right now.  I work out six or seven days a week.  I have something resembling abs.  And I see those crazy Slippery Rock runners all over town in a sports bra.  Maybe I won't do this in Mt. Oliver, but I will do it!

3.  Read more.  Like, you know, things I actually enjoy!

4.  Get out more, drink more, be social.  I'm not doing too badly at this.  (Laura, you need to help me here!)

5.  Prepare for law school.  I've bought a few books, downloaded a few classes, etc.

6.  Ride horses.

7.  Run a few road races.

8.  Send out the best possible book manuscript I can.  By the way, I realized a few days ago in my wallowing that if Mo and I hadn't split (thank goodness we did of course) that I likely never would have gone to Colrain to get my manuscript revised, never have published a chapbook, never have met some new friends, etc.  So, here's to all the other good things that will soon happen because of our parting ways!

Catching Up

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur, so let me just give you the highlights. 

I really decided I needed to get away, so I jumped in my parents' car (better gas mileage) and headed to Colrain, Massachusetts for a poetry manuscript conference, where I met some fantastic people and new friends! The pictures here are from that trip and the amazing "Round House" we stayed in. The great news here is that when I returned home, I sent out a chapbook manuscript, which will be published in the next few months from Pudding House Press.  Also, I got a new job with American Intercontinental University (online) and interviewed at Strayer University as well.  That's the good news.

The bad news is that it's just been a tough few weeks emotionally. Mo and I were supposed to get married this week.  I found a card in my nightstand saying how we'd spend the rest of our lives together from him, and it just made me mad at the ability we humans have to fool ourselves.  My parents are leaving for St. Martin (where we were supposed to enjoy our honeymoon) on Saturday, so I'll be pretty alone here.

Also, I had to clean out my office from my last job.  It was strange without anyone even saying goodbye.  I've never really left a place of work except to move on to something better.  Right now I'm working my butt off doing miscellaneous jobs, but no health insurance, I still know very few people in this city, and only more debt (law school) to look forward to.  It's not exactly where I'd like to be, but I suppose at least I'm on a road to somewhere.

I'm NOT Making this Up

Heaven forbid I mention the name of the university where I teach (I already got in trouble for that one last year!), but today is my final day of classes.  We still have finals and all that jazz, but this is it for official classes. I was here on a nine month position, and after this week I'm likely going to be the most overqualified barista at Starbucks in the local Pittsburgh area.  However, I have to tell you this. 

There are many reasons I don't teach preschool  One of my top reasons: puke.  That's right, I will clean up my pet's puke and, heck, even my family or friend's puke, but I refuse to clean up random kid puke.  Today I learned that even avoiding preschool can't help you stay away from this problem.  At freakin' 7:30 a.m., I had a student enter my office.  She hiccupped and gagged a few words out before barfing all over my office.  How many people do you think throw up at Starbucks in any given year?

Does Anyone Know How to Keep Busy WITHOUT Working?

Today was kind of a tough day.  Nothing terrible, just a few minor things that threaten to throw off the delicate balance that is my sanity.  I got an invitation to my younger cousin's wedding today.  I am happy for her!  But I couldn't help but think I was planning on being married next month, and we were going to go to her wedding together.  Can I really go alone?  The bread I made didn't rise.  Running hurt like hell.  I have no job in three weeks.  I'm frustrated with not being able to get my manuscript published, my students are just at that point when all they do is yell at me and hate me, and I definitely got to the point that all I wanted to do was drink soda and eat doughnuts.  That's my low point.

So, when I'm stressed, I work.  Most of you know I teach at Slippery Rock, I teach online courses, I grade SATs, I work for Smarthinking tutoring, I work for another grading company, and so on.  And yes, I do all of these things almost every day.  I also work out 1-2 hours a day, have taken on volunteering at the history center museum, ride horses, cook, go to hockey games, take care of the house with new projects (it's spring and the garden needs planted...), etc. etc. etc.  The truth is that this is the first time I've sat down all day.  This is what I do.  I work until I can work no more.  So, being busy is my way of coping, but I pay for it by exhausting my body and mind.

But what's the alternative?  I could sit on my butt and watch t.v.  Even that I can't do, because I want to be working on my course online, reading, grading, or otherwise multitasking when watching television.   Someone please tell me.  What am I supposed to do that's relaxing and yet still "doing something." What do you do to relax!?

Spring?

Robins in the front yard. Too warm in my Jeep for a coat. Bands outside on campus today. Spring might be hiding somewhere around the corner. I hope this is exactly the change I need. Isn't it so much easier to have a positive attitude when it smells and feels like something new? Ok, that's what I'm hoping at least.

Over Spring Break I started out great with photography classes, getting a lot of grading done, and visiting my parents and hanging out with their puppy during the days when they were at work. After a few days though, I was over it. I'm just not one for sitting still. I don't like spending an entire day in the house, but what is there to do outside when it's pouring down rain and freezing? I don't have money to spend, and I don't have a lot of people here in Pittsburgh to hang out with. I should mention that I did have a fun outing to the Rivers Casino on Sunday for the champagne brunch with a friend, however! Unfortunately, I did not win enough money on the slots to pay for law school.

So, I was ready for break to be over. Here's the problem. I hate being back to school. Literally, as soon as I set foot on this campus my head begins to throb. I'm not supposed to be a professor, but I'm not qualified to do anything else. I don't have the cutthroat attitude that seems to be a requirement in an academic department. It's strange though, because in other areas of my life I'm very competitive. In high school and even in college I really wanted to be the best, but it's just not worth it here, and I don't even know how to be the best. I keep imagining being at the top of my law school class, but is that just another pipe dream?

I'm finding myself thinking a lot these days of happy times. Having brunch in Florida with my friend and her husband outdoors. Running a fantastic race in Jacksonville and meeting amazing people. Getting poems published. Riding horses competitively. And all of these things make me sad. My friends in Florida no longer speak to me, I can't run because of my leg and knee, I haven't had a bit of luck publishing my book or poems, and my horse isn't really as young as she used to be. I think it's about time to make a list of the things I am thankful for and also to really focus my energy on some positive things. Stay tuned for more inspiration...

Rejection

I'm still feeling happy happy joy joy, but today was a bit tougher. Gosh darn it...I will be the girl who is always smiling and says she's "Wonderful" when someone asks in the hall! But today, I'm having my doubts.

Have you ever had someone mistake you for someone else who you thought was entirely unattractive? Well, the third person at my place of employment (which I won't mention since that got me in trouble before) mistook me today for another woman in the department. This other woman, forgive me, has a freakin' horse face! Sure, she's blonde. And yes, she might be about the same height as me. Beyond that, I'm offended. I know that's terrible, but if we really look that similar, I'm just sad.

Second, I received my first "rejection" from the matchmaker. Let me tell you how it works basically. After you fork over the cash, you get photos, and then after you wait not so patiently, you receive profiles of possible matches. You choose who you'd like to consider as a match, and then they are contacted and consider you for a match. One of the men I chose did not choose me. Now, I realize that this is completely ludicrous to feel rejected. I mean, maybe he didn't like my age. Maybe he hates blondes. Whatever! But the wonderfully polite email I received from the service saying he had "graciously declined" sent me straight to the refrigerator. Thank goodness all I've got in there is sugar free Jello pudding. Sixty calories worth of rejection thank you very much.