Here are some things I wanted to say to people today. Thankfully, my filter is functioning fine, and I restrained myself.
1. To the employee at Petco: Yes, I'm wearing a dress and heels. No, I do not need your scrawny butt to carry my twenty pound bag of dog food. I could bench press you and my dog together.
2. To my high school graduating class: Thank goodness you invited everyone to a class reunion except the two top students! You have again proven your stupidity as a group, and I can continue to hope for a giant meteor to crash through your town leaving behind no one.
3. To the man I volunteered with today: One, do not use the table cloth for your hairy, ham sandwich and mayonnaise covered hands. Two, yes blue and orange do go together. For goodness sakes, it's a Dooney and Bourke bag. It would go with the table cloth if I was wearing it! Three, no, I do not want to shake your hand at the end of the day.
4. To Sam's Club: Please stop sending me emails to remind me that my boyfriend twice removed needs to pick up his contact lenses. I hope said boyfriend is blind and withering away in a cave somewhere. I love your buckets of pina coladas for four dollars, but I don't need a history lesson of how my life has changed.