Like a bad winter cold I’ve been trying to ward off a bout of sadness this week. I think that for the first time since I was 15 years old, I have no one special in my life to share Christmas with. I enjoy the holidays: the baking, the decorating, the buying of gifts. I really do. Somehow it’s not the same when I’m living alone, had class and finals right up to the last minute, and only bought gifts for my parents. When I opened the Christmas ornaments this year right on top was a giant “M” (for Mo) and “A” (for me), the ornaments that we had bought last year to be our first for the tree. I almost didn’t decorate at all. I mean, no one has been in my house in months. What/who am I decorating for?
And at the same time, part of me thinks I should be thankful. Last year Mo told me I couldn’t spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family, but we’d be spending the entire time in Ohio sitting on his living room floor and smiling at the family I’d never met. There was no compromising, no Christmas Eve with my family, nothing. And on Christmas Eve he wouldn’t answer his phone and left me wondering if I had anywhere to go at all. My family opened all the gifts I had picked out (they all come to me for ideas), and I missed Christmas basically.
Then there was the year the asshole (sorry, I don’t have a nice name for him) dumped all of my gifts in the middle of the bedroom floor unwrapped, told me I had ruined Christmas, and drove off for New Jersey leaving me sitting there with no flight and no way home.
Or how about the time the same idiot called me after how many years together and told me that he no longer wanted to marry me, then proceeded to disappear off the face of the earth, and I never heard from him again.
One year I worked until two a.m. in Gainesville and slept through my early morning flight, not making it home for Christmas. I’ve spent Christmas after Christmas crying, sad, alone, and struggling to make it through. Shouldn’t this one be better? I’m here in my parents’ home with a brand new saddle (my Christmas gift that I picked myself), ate a great dinner tonight, and have the day tomorrow to play with the horses and relax. Why choke back tears every time I allow my brain to stop and think? How do you learn to be thankful for the things you have? How did I get here? And where/who can I be tomorrow?