Not That Kind of Intern

And so the first year of law school is rapidly coming to an end.  One more week of classes and then final exams.  Please please keep me in your thoughts for the next few weeks.  What happens in these exams will ultimately determine whether I choose to remain in law school.  Financially, good grades will make all the difference.

On a more interesting note, I had my first day of my internship this weekend with a professional baseball team which shall not be named :)  Of course, if you want to know, just ask, but I don't want to blab their name all over my blog and be "found out."  Oh, didn't I mention I'd be staring at baseball players all summer?  Ahem!  That's right.  If I accomplished nothing else this year, I stalked a professional baseball team long enough for them to give me an internship.

This Saturday was an open house for the team where season ticket holders were able to pick up their tickets, the community could see the field, etc.  There was popcorn, national anthem tryouts, silly string, and inflatable games.  And yet...  it was nowhere near as much fun as it sounds!  It was freezing, raining, full of people who smelled, and those national anthem singers??  Four hours straight of phlegm, croaking, and squealing.  Help me!  I hope I have better news to report about my internship experience soon!

Keep your fingers crossed for me, and oh....I have some big news about poetry I hope to post soon.  Stay tuned!!!

Warning: Sad Christmas Post

Like a bad winter cold I’ve been trying to ward off a bout of sadness this week. I think that for the first time since I was 15 years old, I have no one special in my life to share Christmas with. I enjoy the holidays: the baking, the decorating, the buying of gifts. I really do. Somehow it’s not the same when I’m living alone, had class and finals right up to the last minute, and only bought gifts for my parents. When I opened the Christmas ornaments this year right on top was a giant “M” (for Mo) and “A” (for me), the ornaments that we had bought last year to be our first for the tree. I almost didn’t decorate at all. I mean, no one has been in my house in months. What/who am I decorating for?



And at the same time, part of me thinks I should be thankful. Last year Mo told me I couldn’t spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family, but we’d be spending the entire time in Ohio sitting on his living room floor and smiling at the family I’d never met. There was no compromising, no Christmas Eve with my family, nothing. And on Christmas Eve he wouldn’t answer his phone and left me wondering if I had anywhere to go at all. My family opened all the gifts I had picked out (they all come to me for ideas), and I missed Christmas basically.


Then there was the year the asshole (sorry, I don’t have a nice name for him) dumped all of my gifts in the middle of the bedroom floor unwrapped, told me I had ruined Christmas, and drove off for New Jersey leaving me sitting there with no flight and no way home.


Or how about the time the same idiot called me after how many years together and told me that he no longer wanted to marry me, then proceeded to disappear off the face of the earth, and I never heard from him again.


One year I worked until two a.m. in Gainesville and slept through my early morning flight, not making it home for Christmas. I’ve spent Christmas after Christmas crying, sad, alone, and struggling to make it through. Shouldn’t this one be better? I’m here in my parents’ home with a brand new saddle (my Christmas gift that I picked myself), ate a great dinner tonight, and have the day tomorrow to play with the horses and relax. Why choke back tears every time I allow my brain to stop and think? How do you learn to be thankful for the things you have?  How did I get here?  And where/who can I be tomorrow?  

How I Learned to Be Wrong

My brain is full.  I mean full to the point of losing important skills like walking and talking out the back door.  Why haven't I blogged in the last few months?  The easy answer: law school.  The funnier answer: my brain was so full that I forgot my login and didn't have two free minutes to go through the process of recovering it.

I've taken two law school exams so far, and I have three more to go.  I've also finished my legal research and writing paper.  As I was sitting waiting for my 25 page of ridiculousness Property exam to start, I had this crazy thought.  What in the world am I doing?  Last year at this time I was giving my own final.  I was baking Christmas cookies and shopping.  Sure, I was busy...  but now I literally live law.  The law school is open 24 hours these two weeks, they feed us pizza, baked goods, and candy to keep us in sugar shock and from revolting at all times, and I'm falling asleep at night with my head literally in a textbook.  What in the world am I doing?  At the same time, yesterday evening I was in downtown Pittsburgh in Market Square with the beautiful lights, the limos, and the expensive restaurants, and there was Reed Smith (one of the biggest law firms in the 'burgh) overlooking my life as I'd like it to be. 

It's amazing how far expectations can fall in a semester.  I started out wanting to be in the top ten.  Now, I want to survive.  And everyone keeps saying, "Oh you'll do fine.  You always say it's hard."  Why won't anyone listen?  This isn't hard.  It's freakin impossible and based on luck!  A whole semester of hard work comes down to one three hour exam.  Did I mention I'm not a good test taker?

Do you know the best thing that happened to me all semester?  On my practice exam I got a "nice paper" comment.  Honestly, that's the nicest two words (or only nice words) I've heard all semester.  It's mostly, "Wrong," "No," "Absolutely not," "Bad law student....BAD!" 

What have I learned this semester?  Humility?  New stress management techniques?  The best caffeine for the least calories at Starbucks?  Most of all, I've learned how to be wrong every single day, and yet still keep coming back for more.

Murphy's Law is More Important than Any Other in Law School

Is this you?  You're jogging along, feeling darn good about your energy, your ability, the beautiful day, and CRACK!  Where did that boulder come from?  Well, it's me.

I was cruising along in law school, unafraid of the big bad law school professor, feeling like I knew what was going on ....avoiding the boulders of not being prepared for class....  and CRASH.  It still got me.

This morning in the class with definitely the scariest law professor in the school, I was minding my own business, feeling darn good because I half understood what was going on, and I'd already been called on, so I assumed I was safe....  He points to the back of the room..."YOU!  The girl who thinks this is funny!  What do you think?"  I didn't answer.  I had no idea he was pointing at me.  The girl behind me said, "Me?"  "NO!  He bellowed.  YOU!"  At this point I'm getting the idea it might be me.  But wait, I hadn't said a word?  Was I sleeptalking in class?  Possible.  But no, I was wide awake.

"Me?"  I say.  "Yes, YOU.  The one who is busy having a conversation while I'm trying to talk."  What in the world is going on I'm now thinking?  Am I losing it?  So, I stutter out something that makes no sense, he makes fun of me, and life goes on.  Or does it?  Right now I'm hiding in the student union rather than the law school because everywhere I go people bring it up.  I do sit near the back of the room, so the other 80 people in class didn't actually see what was going on.  They assume I was the loud mouth, and I got called on.  And I'm an idiot. Ack. 

Sigh...I know it doesn't matter.  But I'm getting sick of saying, "It wasn't me!"  I guess it's all good practice for becoming a defense attorney?  Practice for becoming a heartless jerk?  Practice for growing an iron shell?  If it can go wrong, it will.  Back to reality.

Law School Day 8 (or) Socrates is My Frenemy

Do you know how law school works?  Have you seen a movie where some poor law student stands and is verbally abused by a professor asking outrageous questions all in the name of the "Socratic Method?"   Well, those movies aren't far from the truth.

I already mentioned that on Day 1, class 1, I was called on, but that was an "easy" question.  Now the real fun begins.  I've been "lucky" so far, and I haven't been called on, but well, as they say, every dog has his day. 

Today I was called on in Property.  Some people get easy questions like: Please give me the facts of the case, or please give me the procedural history.  Trust me, these are usually easy because you "should" have the answers right in front of you in your homework. 

Here was MY first question (this is not a joke):

Professor X:  John owns a watch and loses it on Monday.  On Tuesday, David finds it.  On Wednesday, Susie steals it from David.  She then proceeds to lose it, and on Friday, Terry finds it.  Susie sues Terry for the watch.  Who will win?

I won't bore you with the answer.  Let's just say, after five or ten minutes of policy, rules, arguments, etc., I had the answer.  Well, I had the answer from the start actually, and I was able to answer all of the professor's question.  I thought more in those ten minutes than I did in all of grad. school. What has my life become?

Weeks 1 and 2 of Law school (or) Call Me Old Again and I'll Kick Your Ass

In general, the theme of law school is lack of time.  It doesn't help of course that I'm still teaching four classes.  So, here, I'll be brief.  I do still love it.  People are incredibly competitive, and I seem to be a bit of an outcast with the day students.  Almost all of them are going out, crashing at each other's houses, and generally acting their age.  No one has to go home, cut the grass, teach classes, blah blah blah.  My most memorable moment so far is the girl I made cry.

You read right.  I made her cry.  She is one of those I-need-to-over-compensate-so-everyone-likes-me types.  She kept getting in little jokes about my age.  She would say things like, "Well, I would add you on facebook, but you're too old" etc.  At lunch one day I finally broke down when she said, "Everyone knows I'm just sarcastic and joking all the time."  I said, "You know....  I don't think that's true.  I think you really mean what you say and play it off as a joke." 

She got flustered, hid in the bathroom and cried all afternoon, and sent me a long facebook message of apology.   Let's just say, it didn't make me any friends, but it did make less people want to mess with me!

Days 2 and 3 of Orientation (or) When Law Students Smell Blood

Let me just say this now: it is exactly like they show on t.v. 

I know Shark Week is over, but apparently no one told the law students.  Every time a bleach-blonde Louis Vuitton-carrying stiletto-wearing gum-chewing overachiever raises her hand, I see fins and teeth.  Apparently they have psyched us out so much for law school that there's no reason for the professors to send out the bait.  We tear each other apart!

Yesterday was my first "Torts" class.  The professor walked in and started grilling people.  It was apparent pretty quickly that no one was going to wait to get called on.  They practically swam out of their seats to get at him!

Today was my first "Legal Research and Writing" course.  At 9 a.m. we started.  At 9:01 the first question was thrown out: "Miss R., define the term 'law' for me."  (Miss R. was me...) Hey, at least I answered and didn't drown. 

Things I overheard today from other law students:
* "Can you believe that guy is in law school.  I mean, he's like THIRTY!"
*  "She looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I wonder if she knows that!"  (This was whispered about me.  I think they're all afraid of me because they've all figured out I have a PhD.)
*  "Like, I have had to turn down three dates already today from guys because I am a law student now."
* "My Mom/Dad/Aunt/Uncle/Brother/Dog is a lawyer, so I will be okay."  Keep telling yourself that one buddy :)

Here's the crazy thing.  I love it!  I love it in a way I never once felt during my MFA or PhD.  I like the reading.  I like getting called on.  I like what we're learning.  I'm just going to lay low for now, circle the school, and wait for the perfect moment.  I always did like seafood.

Orientation Day 1 (or) If Only I Could Be a Cougar

Do I hang out with the obnoxious twenty-somethings who make fun of the professors and bet on who will drop out first?  Or do I hang out with the terrified 30 and 40 somethings who seem either afraid of their own shadow or positive they are law student superstars?  It might seem like an insignificant question, but it's my question of the day.

I talked to a few of the older students.  They're all self-concious, talking about LSAT scores, worried about rent and traffic, etc.  And then there's the cute boy (who's only 23) who I can talk to about sports and bars or the marathon.  And of course, it helped my ego that he had no idea I was THIRTY! :)  I think I'll stick with the boys.

Beyond the "who to hang out with" question, the main priorities seem to be:
-scaring the heck out of us
-piling on the work
-pampering us with food and gifts
-confusing the heck out of us

So far, so good.  Stay tuned!

I Can Do This

I have ridden a wild mustang, gone cliff diving in Jamaica, driven a race car at 200 miles an hour, moved to Florida when I was 21, and run 26 miles.  Certainly, I should be able to survive the first day of law school, right?

Let me tell you about the awful beginning I've had so far.  Actually, let me not tell you about it.  Let's just say I skipped the first two "optional" events.  Tomorrow, it begins.  I mean, it really really begins.  I cannot skip it.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect student loans. 

It doesn't matter that I've done this a million times before.  It doesn't matter that the University of Florida was much bigger and more terrifying.  I can do this.

Wish me luck.  Here goes nothing :)

Short List

Okay, these events make my short list for the last two weeks or so:
1.  Spent birthday at home crying into my homemade margarita
2.  Spent day before my birthday arguing with ex that won't go away
3.  Spent day after birthday eating gnocchi and ice cream cake :)
4.  Had someone pay me 400 dollars to take her horse (It was a horse I was training anyway, but uhm, okay)
5.  Did not go to first law school event (baseball game).  I am a giant chicken.
6.  Made red raspberry freezer jam for the first time.
7.  Got stood up twice in the last week from the same friend.  Ack!
8.  Heard from another ex on my birthday who I was hoping had crawled under a rock and died (Why do all the freaks come out on August 7th?)
9.  Did I mention I went to Florida? (will post pictures)
10.  Get to see the new hockey arena on Sunday!!!!
11.  Less than 48 hours to law school and I'm about to lose it!

I'm Too Sexy

One of the greatest things Mo gave me for this summer was: time.  I have no idea how I could have survived another semester of driving to his crappy apartment and getting up at 4 a.m. to rush home to feed the dog.  He refused to get up early with me (or even compromise) and insisted on only having time to hang out at 11 at night until ungodly hours of the morning.  I was honestly in pain every day by the end of my time teaching.

Here's my schedule right now:

*  Get up between 5:30 and 6:30 (depends on how far I'm running)
*  Run/work Out
* 7:30-8 Breakfast (I'm trying to be really healthy before school starts, so I'm actually cooking eggs, etc.)
* 8-5:00 Work on Smarthinking (mixed with online teaching at South, reading law books, doing email, etc.)
* 5-9:00 Work on Grading/South online teaching
* 9-10:00 Live Office Hours at AIU
*10-11:00 Grading/teaching AIU
* 11-midnight Live Teaching at AIU (I sit online with a very attractive microphone talking to myself)

Then I try and sleep and do it all over again.  In order for me to "do" anything else, I have to take off work.  So, if I want to go out for the evening or go to the barn, I either need to take my laptop or request off work.  When in the world would I have had time to stress over the lies and betrayals of Mo?

Yet, of course, there are moments when I'm incredibly lonely!  I especially feel this way when I have plans and they are changed.  I honestly wonder: will I ever be with anyone in a relationship again?  My mom pointed out that it was crazy to see my college friend (thanks for visiting S!) with a minivan and three kids.  And my dad said, "Well, that's normal for her age."  Okay, thanks, Dad.  Glad to know I'm not normal to you.

As I was running yesterday at six in the morning, feeling especially blah, I slogged past a man who was listening to his iPod at the bus stop.  Under her breath, he let out, "Sexxxxy."  It was rude, inappropriate, and creepy.  But thanks goodness, I thought...  at least someone still thinks I'm sexy.

Paaaartay!

This is why you should come to my picnic this Saturday:

Chai Tea Cookies
Mint Brownies
Sugar Cookies
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Chocolate dipped French Meringues (on the third try)
Sandwich Cookies
Meatball sandwiches
Strawberry Spinach Salad
Southwest Shrimp
Rum (Dad's "special" rum)
Homemade Beer and Wine
Mojitos
Pasta Salad
Slow Cooker Mac 'n Cheese
Chickpea Salad

and FIREWORKS!

Oh, and stick around for the poetry reading at Lili Cafe on Sunday.  This is gonna be a busy weekend!

And So It Begins...

This week I've received some of my first correspondence from my law school. Or orientation begins the second week of August with a picnic followed by a week or "boot camp" before classes begin. I wonder if this is typical of law schools? In what I've read, I haven't seen much like it.
I'm anxious at this point about a few things. One is my age. I'm not old (will be 30 when school starts), but I'm older than many of the 21 year olds who will be entering law school this fall. I'm sure in some ways this is an advantage. In other ways, I hope I can "fit in." Law school seems very different than grad. school in this way. For my MFA and PhD I "survived." There wasn't much competition for grades. Everyone got an A or an A-, and that was the end of it. Here I need to stay in the top half of my class to receive my scholarship for next year even. Everyone thinks they'll be in the top half, right? For me, this is a little different. I know no one expects to fail out, but the truth is that in any school people inevitably do. And it can't be me! I have given up a job my teaching job. If I fail out of law school I'll be the most over-qualified coffee barista in my town.

I'm still very anxious about how much "prepping" to do as well. I have been working through some lessons on CALI, reading, and trying to stay organized (making a calendar), but how much is too much, and how much is not enough?
If nothing else, I will say that my school seems relatively organized. In most of my time as a graduate student I have been lost in websites, rules, regulations, financial aid, and the registrar. In this case I'm told exactly where to go and what to do at what time. In some ways this is a great relief. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thirty-three days until orientation begins!

Vacation? What Vacation?

One of the things that I've constantly read in the books about preparing for law school is that I should be relaxing this summer to prepare for the chaos of the fall semester.  Relax?  I think I've mentioned before that I don't know how to do that. 

Right now I'm teaching two classes online, going through orientation for a new teaching job online, tutoring online, riding horses, reading law school prep books, and....redecorating!

For some reason this week I just decided that I hate everything in my house.  Well, not everything.  But I need a change.  Honestly, I think it's a delayed reaction and reclaiming of my space.  When I moved to Pittsburgh it was great.  I had no memories here, nothing reminded me of the jerk I left in Florida, and I could start new.  Now the problem is that everything here reminds me of Mo.  Last Fourth of July we went to Altoona on the train.  It was an amazing trip when we did absolutely nothing and had a great time.  We planned to take a trip on the train each year.  This year was going to be to a place that began with the letter "B."  We'd work our way through the alphabet from A to Z.  Like my friend Carly asked...where does the good go? That was a truly good day.  Or was it?  There were so many underlying insecurities and lies on that day that what I was living wasn't even true in a way.

Well, I'll tell you what's true today: new lamps, new pillows, new bookcases, new decorations in the bathroom, new teapots, new plants, new pictures, and a wonderful new color in my third bedroom.  If you've never been to my house you won't know this, but my third bedroom is a tiny space that I've turned into a sort of walk-in closet. I've painted it dark red today, hung chandeliers, put in new drapes and mirrors, and gosh darn it, it's awesome!  You should come visit my new life.

Poetry Readings Make Me Sad

Tonight I went to a wonderful poetry reading hosted by Cave Canem and House of Asylum in Pittsburgh's Northside with new friends I met through attending Colrain.  Carl Phillips, Colleen McElroy, Claudia Rankine, and Sapphire read under a tent in the Mexican War Streets neighborhood. Beautiful weather, great people, and an all-around great atmosphere.  Lately though, poetry has made me sad.  So many poems are about love (or at least lust), and listening to these poets tonight made me downright lonely. I am meeting new people, getting out, etc., but still there's something lacking.  I'm just not that girl who likes to come home to an empty house.  Thank goodness for pets.  Mom points out at every opportunity that my pets are a reason someone "wouldn't" want to be with me, but let me tell you, feeding Sterling catnip at eleven o'clock at night straight from the garden and watching him attack the dog that's ten times his size is a darn good end to my evening.

Burkina Faso

Did you ever learn something new, and then it seems you hear about it everywhere you go?  On Monday I went with a friend to see Burkina Electric, a band from Burkina Faso at the Thunderbird Cafe in Lawrenceville.  You should check out both the band and the venue.  Great night!  I don't know why I had never heard of Burkina Faso, but there's a city there named Kaya (like my dog!).  And on television this morning I heard a reference to it also.  It's just amazing how much I don't know!

Really Truly Karma?

Someone who I barely know told me the other day that this was going to be "my year."  I don't know what that means, but today feels pretty darn good.

I am a decent teacher I think.  I've won some awards, and I've gotten some pretty nice praise.  But I've never really loved doing it.  I enjoy moments of it, but I always feel like there's more that I can do.  There's a good chance that at some point I'll teach something again, but right now...I'm not a teacher!!!  Ok, well I'm cheating a little.  I am teaching four online courses...  But I don't have to dress like a teacher!  I don't have to duck in the halls from other faculty members who don't like me.  I don't have anyone yelling, screaming, crying, or puking in my office.  True, now I have to dress like a lawyer and be a poor student again, but at least for today, that feels good.

I don't consider myself to be wishy-washy.  I'm pretty good at making decisions. But I also like to leave my options open.  That's what I've been doing about jobs for the last few years.  I just take everything that comes my way, and do waaaaay too much.  But last night my brain/body wouldn't let me do it anymore, and get this...  I think I was rewarded today for trying to be a little bit human and not work too much.

When I called Duquesne to ask them to consider switching me to a day student, they said they'd be happy to do that.  Not only that, as a day student I am eligible for half my tuition paid the first year and almost all of my tuition paid each subsequent year provided I maintain certain grades.  Seriously!?  That's all I had to do?!  Why did no one tell me this!?  I don't know what my brain/body knew that I didn't, but the decision to not go back to SRU was awesome.  Good news!

Decisions

I have been going back and forth about law school and teaching at Slippery Rock this year.  Apparently my body is making the decision for me.  Last night I put out my clothes for my interview at Slippery Rock today, I organized my resume, and I planned my teaching presentation.  I planned to go and interview even if I didn't take the job.

But it's four in the morning, and I've been up since two.  My mind is racing, my heart is beating a million miles a minute, and I'm basically having a panic attack at the thought of going back to that place.  I don't want to spent 12-15 hours in the car each work week.  I don't want to have no life because I'm driving back and forth.  I want to go to law school.  In fact, I'd prefer to go to law school full time and be out of there is three years.  There, I said it.

Last night I cancelled my cable, my Netflix, my extra features on my cell phone, etc.  I'm back to being a student, darn it.  I don't especially enjoy being poor, but here's to law school, here's to saving a few bucks to hopefully make more in the long run, and here's to living life without working 24/7! Yikes, this is terrifying!

Degrees of Separation

If you're interested in purchasing my new chapbook, Degrees of Separation, for ten dollars, please contact me, and I'll be happy to send off a signed first edition right away!

In Memoriam

On Memorial Day Mom and I went to the Allegheny Cemetery, which is an amazing place in Pittsburgh.  Older than much of the city itself, Pittsburgh literally grew up around it.  I hadn't downloaded the pictures yet, but here they are.  My grandmother, grandfather, great grandmother and others are buried at this historical site.