In Memoriam

On Memorial Day Mom and I went to the Allegheny Cemetery, which is an amazing place in Pittsburgh.  Older than much of the city itself, Pittsburgh literally grew up around it.  I hadn't downloaded the pictures yet, but here they are.  My grandmother, grandfather, great grandmother and others are buried at this historical site.

Breakdown Shakedown

I'm always on the verge of a minor breakdown it seems.  Today I was really close.  I spent the day at my parents' house working, playing with the dogs, and getting up the nerve to ride a crazy horse that is owned by one of the boarders at the barn.  She was definitely abused and promptly dumps anyone off who tries to get on her back.  It's another one of those crazy scary things I do to myself (see yesterday's post) to try and ride an insane horse.

The big thing I found out today is that my law school schedule will be Mon-Thurs every evening until ten o'clock.  How in the heck am I going to drive to school at the place that shall not be mentioned (if I get my job back) at least three hours a day, teach full time, grade papers, study for class, and survive?  I know the rational answer....I can't.  Is it crazy to try?  I feel like my parents are thinking: "you're going to be in debt" and "you need to keep working there so that you can pay the bills and have health insurance."

I'm just so tired. I want to rock law school and be at the top of my class.  I want to get away from teaching.  Did I ever mention I hate being a professor?  ACK!  Ok, sorry for the venting.  I know no one can give me the answer, but I really just don't know where to begin to figure it out right now.

Scaredy Cat

Do you do things that scare you?  Or are you the safe type?  Go to the same restaurants?  Have the same friends?

I'm definitely the former.  From the time I can remember, I did things that scared me.  I was riding horses and competing at the age of four.  And I remember that I was terrified, but that was part of the thrill.  In college I had severe anxiety, but I volunteered each year to be an orientation leader. Suddenly I was in charge of 20 cocky, scared, crazy freshmen.  And we had to do ice breakers!  Ice breakers are truly my nemesis, but I figured if I forced myself to do it, I'd be a better person.

Then I moved to Florida.  Talk about terrifying.  I didn't know anyone, I couldn't even drive a stick, and the car I was taking was a fun new six-speed Firebird. 

I go to running groups that terrify me, poetry readings that terrify men, conferences that terrify me.  And I do it all in the name of "becoming a better person."  But today I'm wondering, is there a way to embrace that quiet and shy personality that is my true self?  I'm wondering this because I'm about to do something again that terrifies me.

I'm headed to law school in two months or so.  The Socratic method scares me, men in suits scare me, being a student who knows nothing again scares me, failing out scares me, not fitting in, not being good at law, not passing...  all of these things terrify me. Why am I doing this again?

I Promise I'll Do Better

The quick recap?  I know, I haven't been on the blog at all lately.  I'll give you the short version, and then I promise I'll be better.
1.  I went to a poetry reading in Pittsburgh.  I ended up at a bar with my former professor.  Strange strange.  Very very strange.
2.  I will be reading at the Polish Hill Arts Festival this July 19th at 2 p.m.  I hope my chapbook's done by then!
3.  The garden is planted, I've sent a million poetry submissions, and I'm settling in to teaching online and catching up.
And finally, I want to know.  How old is too old?  For dating that is.  My next possibility for a "match" is a man 16 years older than me.  A very successful, drives a Porsche, has Pens season tickets three rows from the ice 16 years oldern than me.  Can I really go out with this guy?

Goals are Just Like Another "To Do" List

Don't get me wrong. I like "to do" lists.  However, there's a certain amount of guilt that comes along with making a list and NOT accomplishing everything on it.  So, part of me wants to let myself relax a little and enjoy the next few weeks without sheer panic of "how am I going to pay for law school??" and "what the heck am I going to do for a job???"  But let's be real.  I overanalyze.  I'm a workaholic.  I need lists.  I give you my summer Goal/To Do list.  But here's the caveat.  If I don't accomplish these things, I'm letting myself off the hook.  These things would all be "nice" to do, but they aren't entirely necessary.  By the way, V and Carly inspired this exercise with their lists....

1.  Eat better.  I try to do this, but I often fail when living alone because cooking for myself is sad.  Right now I'm trying the "eat five times a day" smaller meals thing.  I'm also trying to up protein in my diet.  I'll keep you updated.  Tonight for dinner I had whole wheat pasta with broccoli, edamame, and walnuts.  Go me!

2.  Run in a sports bra.  That's right, just a sports bra (and shorts of course). Hey, I'm not getting any younger.  And the fact is that I'm in pretty darn good shape right now.  I work out six or seven days a week.  I have something resembling abs.  And I see those crazy Slippery Rock runners all over town in a sports bra.  Maybe I won't do this in Mt. Oliver, but I will do it!

3.  Read more.  Like, you know, things I actually enjoy!

4.  Get out more, drink more, be social.  I'm not doing too badly at this.  (Laura, you need to help me here!)

5.  Prepare for law school.  I've bought a few books, downloaded a few classes, etc.

6.  Ride horses.

7.  Run a few road races.

8.  Send out the best possible book manuscript I can.  By the way, I realized a few days ago in my wallowing that if Mo and I hadn't split (thank goodness we did of course) that I likely never would have gone to Colrain to get my manuscript revised, never have published a chapbook, never have met some new friends, etc.  So, here's to all the other good things that will soon happen because of our parting ways!

Catching Up

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur, so let me just give you the highlights. 

I really decided I needed to get away, so I jumped in my parents' car (better gas mileage) and headed to Colrain, Massachusetts for a poetry manuscript conference, where I met some fantastic people and new friends! The pictures here are from that trip and the amazing "Round House" we stayed in. The great news here is that when I returned home, I sent out a chapbook manuscript, which will be published in the next few months from Pudding House Press.  Also, I got a new job with American Intercontinental University (online) and interviewed at Strayer University as well.  That's the good news.

The bad news is that it's just been a tough few weeks emotionally. Mo and I were supposed to get married this week.  I found a card in my nightstand saying how we'd spend the rest of our lives together from him, and it just made me mad at the ability we humans have to fool ourselves.  My parents are leaving for St. Martin (where we were supposed to enjoy our honeymoon) on Saturday, so I'll be pretty alone here.

Also, I had to clean out my office from my last job.  It was strange without anyone even saying goodbye.  I've never really left a place of work except to move on to something better.  Right now I'm working my butt off doing miscellaneous jobs, but no health insurance, I still know very few people in this city, and only more debt (law school) to look forward to.  It's not exactly where I'd like to be, but I suppose at least I'm on a road to somewhere.

New Page

Ok, just to be confusing, I have a new webpage for more "professional" information.  Check it out!