Drinking Pina Coladas Straight from the Bucket (or Sam's Club is an Evil Evil Place)

Here are some things I wanted to say to people today.  Thankfully, my filter is functioning fine, and I restrained myself.

1.  To the employee at Petco:  Yes, I'm wearing a dress and heels.  No, I do not need your scrawny butt to carry my twenty pound bag of dog food.  I could bench press you and my dog together.

2.  To my high school graduating class:  Thank goodness you invited everyone to a class reunion except the two top students!  You have again proven your stupidity as a group, and I can continue to hope for a giant meteor to crash through your town leaving behind no one.

3.  To the man I volunteered with today:  One, do not use the table cloth for your hairy, ham sandwich and mayonnaise covered hands.  Two, yes blue and orange do go together.  For goodness sakes, it's a Dooney and Bourke bag.  It would go with the table cloth if I was wearing it!  Three, no, I do not want to shake your hand at the end of the day.

4.  To Sam's Club: Please stop sending me emails to remind me that my boyfriend twice removed needs to pick up his contact lenses.  I hope said boyfriend is blind and withering away in a cave somewhere.  I love your buckets of pina coladas for four dollars, but I don't need a history lesson of how my life has changed.